My days are numbered.
I’ve been struggling for a while now with this sinking feeling that life is changing. Friends from high school and college are all advancing their corporate careers, getting married, and having babies. In fact, some of the girls and guys I grew up with are on their second or third child already. And it really makes me wonder…
Is this really all there is to life?
The past year has been a series of life changes for me; I made the choice not to stay in LA, came back home to the Bay Area, and got a “real job,” as my parents would call it, doing marketing and no longer focusing on writing, modeling, and acting. While it leads to a much higher level of financial stability (relatively of course), I often feel like Corporate America sucks out your soul, chews it up, and spits it out. Rather than find the time to write scripts or learn lines, I find myself taking a barre class after work so my body doesn’t sink into the monotonous mush that my brain has become. I couldn’t imagine topping off a 50 hour work week with a brood of kids that need attention. I really have to hand it to the moms of the world who work multiple jobs, take care of their kids, and manage to not go insane in the process.
But I digress. The bottom line of this revelation is plainly and simply,
I’m afraid to grow up.
During my beauty queen days, someone asked me my main goal in life during a pageant interview. I told them that I just want to be happy. I think I’m still figuring out what happiness is.
I came to the realization that the things that make me happy are typically things that we can’t do as we get older. Running around the amusement park drinking slurpees and laughing so hard until you have a stomach ache, shopping at Forever 21, bringing your stuffed animal to work (yes I still do that), and photoshoots. For my friends with kids, free time consists of packing lunches, going to Bed Bath and Beyond, and couples dinner parties at their new home in the suburbs. Sigh.
Needless to say, I’m still trying to hold onto the happiness I know, while trying to figure out what’s next to come. In terms of relationships, I feel like it’s often difficult to commit to someone when you’re not even fully committed to your own life. However the right person will always support your decisions and encourage you, no matter how ridiculous your dreams might sound. That’s when you know they’re there for the full ride.
I’m curious to hear about how you discovered your happiness and when you realized things were changing for the better. Life works in mysterious ways, and I’m hoping that someday I will look back at the jagged path and realize it was all part of a bigger plan.
Because if the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.
Photo: Deidre Fuller